Is It Rude to Call an Older Korean by Their First Name?

 

Written by a Korean-born writer who spent three decades in the airline industry, sharing what growing up in Korea actually looks like.

Introduction: The Moment a Friend's Father's Name Slips Out

A foreign visitor is invited to a Korean friend's parents' house and has a genuinely enjoyable evening. A few days later, catching up with the friend, they mention, "Your dad, Minsu's father, was really funny last time." The friend's expression suddenly goes a little tense.

The foreign visitor has no idea what went wrong. There was no mispronunciation, nothing rude was said. All that happened was mentioning the friend's father's name directly.

In short: In Korea, directly calling someone older or higher in status by their given name is considered disrespectful. Titles or relational terms replace names by default in these relationships, and it's common not to know someone's actual name even after decades of closeness.

This piece unpacks why using someone's name directly has become such a delicate act in Korea, and what gets used instead.

Why Using a Name Feels Almost Too Familiar

An Old Sense That Names Aren't Used Carelessly

Korea, along with much of East Asia, carries a long-standing custom of avoiding the given names of people higher in status or age. During the Joseon Dynasty, even speaking the king's given name aloud was taboo, and officials addressed him with alternate titles instead.

Picture a royal court scribe, quill in hand, deliberately choosing a different character or a title-based reference rather than writing the king's actual given name into the official record, a small daily act of avoidance that became second nature over centuries.

This sensibility wasn't limited to royalty. It extended across the entire social hierarchy. Directly using an elder's given name could come across as treating that person as an equal or as someone beneath you.

Names Belong to Those Below You, or Close Peers

Against this backdrop, using someone's given name naturally became something reserved for people younger or lower in status, or for very close peers. Toward anyone older, titles or relational terms became the default instead.

What Replaces a Name: Relational Terms and Titles

Inside the Family, a Name Is Never Even Needed

In Korean households, parents, older siblings, and in-laws are almost never called by name. Terms like appa (dad), eomma (mom), hyung, eonni, eomeonim, and abeonim replace the name entirely.

This custom extends even to strangers. Koreans commonly address an older woman they've just met as imo ("aunt") or ajumeoni, and an older man as samchon ("uncle") or ajeossi. Even with no actual family connection, using these fictive kinship terms feels far more natural than asking for a name.

A customer asking a fruit stand vendor for a better price might naturally open with "Imo, can you give me a discount?", and the vendor won't think twice about being called "aunt" by a total stranger. Asking for her actual name instead would feel oddly formal by comparison.

At Work, Titles Take Over

As covered elsewhere on this blog, Korean workplaces default to titles instead of names. Addressing someone as "Manager Kim," combining surname and title, is really just another way of sidestepping the situation of using a name directly.

Even a coworker who's known you for years, sat beside you at countless team dinners, and remembers your birthday will likely never once address you by your given name if you happen to outrank them.

At work, this rule gets replaced by an entirely different naming system built around job titles — covered in more detail in an earlier piece on this blog.

The Rule Only Runs One Way

Here's what's interesting: this rule doesn't apply symmetrically in both directions. Someone older or higher in status feels no hesitation at all using a younger person's given name directly. A parent using a child's name, a senior using a junior's, a boss using a subordinate's, all of this is completely natural.

The reverse doesn't hold. The moment someone younger uses an elder's given name, it creates an awkwardness, as if the balance of the relationship has been thrown off. This asymmetry mirrors the same structure covered in an earlier article on this blog about age hierarchy.

So When Does Anyone Actually Use an Elder's Name?

This naturally raises a question. Is there ever a situation where an elder's given name actually gets used directly? The honest answer is close to "almost never."

In everyday conversation, directly addressing an elder by name to their face essentially doesn't happen. About the only real occasions a name gets used are formal documents, like contracts or official paperwork, or mentioning someone's name while describing them to a third party.

Even then, a title or honorific typically gets attached right after it. A resignation letter might reference "Director Kim Cheolsu," not "Cheolsu," even in a document meant to be read only by human resources staff.

Whether someone counts as an "elder" in this sense often comes down to the same sunbae-hoobae logic covered in an earlier piece on this blog, not just raw age.

A Modern Result Worth Noticing: Not Actually Knowing the Name

Decades of Closeness, Still Not Knowing the Name

Because these substitute terms are so deeply embedded, it's not unusual in Korea for even very close relationships to leave someone's actual name unknown. Longtime neighbors, a friend's parents, even a spouse's parents can go decades without anyone ever hearing their given name spoken aloud.

I didn't actually know my in-laws' exact names before I got married. The titles abeonim and eomeonim worked perfectly well without any issue. The way I actually learned their real names, though, came from somewhere unexpected.

Family members of airline employees are eligible for discounted flight tickets, and using that benefit required registering my spouse's parents' exact names with the company on official paperwork. It was only while filling out that form after getting married that I properly confirmed my in-laws' actual names for the first time.

Common Misunderstandings

• ❌ Myth: Not using someone's name in Korea means you aren't close to them.
• ⭕ Reality: It's often the opposite. Using a relational term or title isn't indifference, it's the appropriate expression of respect for that relationship.
• ❌ Myth: Not knowing an elder's name reflects poorly on your manners or effort.
• ⭕ Reality: A completely natural relationship often runs on titles alone, with no real need to ever learn the name at all.
• ❌ Myth: The no-name rule applies equally in every relationship.
• ⭕ Reality: This rule only runs in one direction, an elder using a younger person's name causes no issue at all.
• ❌ Myth: A boss not letting a subordinate use their name means they aren't close.
• ⭕ Reality: Regardless of closeness, combining surname and title instead of a name is simply the standard practice in Korean workplaces.

What Koreans Actually Say

The lines below aren't direct quotes from real interviews — they're representative of the kind of language Koreans commonly use in these situations.

Foreigner: "So what's your friend's dad's actual name?" Korean: "Honestly, I don't really know. I've just always called him abeonim." (thinking: it never once occurred to me that not knowing was strange.)

Foreigner: "You're her daughter-in-law, is it really fine not to know your mother-in-law's name?" Korean: "Of course. I just call her eomeonim. There's really no occasion to use her actual name."

Foreigner: "My parents call me by my name, so why can't I call them by theirs?" Korean: "That's just how it naturally works. There's an order to these things."

Practical Advice for Foreign Readers

Default to a Relational Term or Title Instead of a Name

If a foreign reader isn't sure how to address an older Korean person, defaulting to a relational term or title is the safest choice. Here are some safe terms for a friend's family members.

Relationship	Safe Term
A friend's father	Abeonim
A friend's mother	Eomeonim
A female friend's older sister	Eonni (used as is)
A male friend's older sister	Eonni or Nunim

For an older stranger, seonsaengnim, imonim, or samchon all work well.

Skip "Mr. Kim" for a Korean-Style Term Instead

Some foreign readers, unfamiliar with Korean address terms, default to an English-style "Mr." or "Mrs." plus surname, something like "Mr. Kim." The first few times, most people will graciously chalk this up to being a foreigner.

Sticking with this indefinitely isn't recommended, though. Continuing to use English-style address over time can suggest a lack of effort to adapt to Korean culture.

After a bit of trial and error, naturally shifting to the Korean relational terms in the table above tends to leave a much better impression. Making that switch, even a little clumsily at first, tends to read as genuine effort rather than a mistake worth dwelling on.

Ask Directly How You Should Address Someone

If unsure which title fits, asking directly, "What should I call you?", is a perfectly natural approach. This isn't taken as rude, and is usually read as considerate instead.

Don't Worry About Not Knowing a Name

If a foreign reader never ends up learning a Korean acquaintance's parent's or elder's actual name, there's no need to worry. As explained above, this happens often even among Koreans themselves.

Default to Titles at Work

At work, it's worth remembering that using titles rather than names with Korean coworkers is the safer choice. This is covered in more detail in another article on this blog.